It had been an extremely hot day, I had left the bedroom windows open to air the room. At about 1.30am I entered our bedroom to close the curtains and pull back the bed covers ready for bed. I didn't turn the light on at that moment. As I closed the door, I felt something slapping my head and blowing on my face, plus a loud flapping noise and scratching. I dived to the ground.
I do not believe in ghosts, but as I was laying on the floor, in the dark between my wife's dressing table and the bed I was certainly questioning that belief. All the time I could hear scratching and rustling noises, my heart was pounding out of my chest. It was beating so hard my face was tingling. I was sweating, the pulse in my head was throbbing, I couldn't breath, I was frozen to the spot, I have never felt so scared in all my life.
I was contemplating all my beliefs about there not being life after death and if this entity could hurt me.
I eventually plucked up the courage to run and turn the light on (despite having a bad back) I lept at the light switch, illuminated the room, heart attack imminent, only to discover a pair of pigeons roosting on top of our wardrobe, guano and feathers everywhere!
By now its 2am. I go down stairs to inform my wife (who has her nose in a Terry Pratchet book) that I have had the fright of my life and that there are two pigeons in our bedroom and bird shit everywhere. To which she replies "Well get them out then" and then carries on reading about Granny Ogg or somebody.
So! I hatched a cunning plan, I burst into the room screaming and shouting hoping to scare the fuckers out...
Plan B...Its now 3.15am. My cunning plan didn't work, so I get my fishing landing net from the garden shed to catch them with, much guano and feathers later... That didn't work either. All I want to do is go to bed. Its now 4am. I never knew two pigeons could produce so much shit! My wife meanwhile is still engrossed in Terry Pratchet, she obviously ignored the mayhem going on upstairs.
Plan C... FOOD! Feed them...I have some wild bird seed and peanuts downstairs, so I proceed to try to tempt them with tasty morsels...Although it had occurred to me that they are hardly likely to trust me as I had been screaming at them, then trying to catch them in a net.
Plan D... now its 5am. Then it hit me! My wife has a dressing up box for the children which contains an Indian saree, in the garden we have some 6ft bamboo canes.. So, I got myself prepared. (A-Team type music) I draped the saree material over the bamboo cane and proceeded in an orderly fashion to coerce the blighters out of my bedroom. One hour later I eventually succeeded.
Now pigeonless, we have a feather, shit and bird seed strewn bedroom to clean. It was about 7.30am before we could finally retire to bed.
I am still picking cherries...
I was very lucky to win the 'Holes contest' fav.me/d6ezsa0
hosted by a great group inspirationstation1.deviantart…
with my entry 'This is Not a Wardrobe'